Valentines Day and why it sucks.

(Disclaimer: I reserve the right to change any and all opinions on this dreaded holiday should I ever actually find a decent man. Thank you.)

I hate Valentines Day.

No, no...you don't understand. I HATE Valentines Day.

For someone who claims to be a Hopeless Romantic, as I am, this may seem...odd..I guess, but there are reasons. Very valid reasons, I think.

1. Valentines Day was my anniversary. Yeah. I had been married on V-Day. How freakin' romantic is THAT I ask you? Well, the idea of marrying on that day, anyway. He, himself, was not so romantic. How can I be so sure? Let us compare my Valentine/Anniversary gifts, first year and last, shall we?

Gift the first year of marriage: Gum and a candy bar. No, I am not lying. Gum and a freakin' candy bar. No roses. No, well, I guess technically there was candy, but I think a brown wrapper saying "Hershey's" somehow kills the romantic ideal there.

Gift the last year of marriage: No gift. No card. No phone call to say "hi" or "Happy Anniversary" or "Happy Valentines Day." No, what I got that year was a husband who came home drunk at 3a.m. telling me "Big deal...and tomorrow we'll be married 13 years and a day. Wanna celebrate that shit, too?"

The years in between weren't much better. Gee, wonder why I divorced him.

(Are you seeing a vague reason why this isn't my favorite holiday?)

2. I have no one. This is the holiday for romance and couples and mushy stuff, no? Granted, I am alone by choice...kinda...but still. It is hard, really hard, to be a single, boyfriend-less woman on Valentines Day. It makes you feel like a leper.

3. Do you own a TV? A radio? Do you see/hear the constant barrage of commercials for every jeweler known to man talking about giving her the perfect diamond to celebrate your once-in-a-lifetime-forever-love? Need I say more?

4. I work in a floral shop. A beautiful, growing floral shop. Next to Mr.-once-in-a-lifetime-diamond guy, I'm pretty much the busiest woman on the planet. Okay, CINDY is, but...I help. And the shop is full of men.. Handsome, loving, thoughtful, sweet, romantic men all buying gifts, animals, roses, balloons for every woman but ME. Helloooooo?!? And the cards I have to write? The winner has to be the guy who ordered a dozen roses and one silk rose in the center of the arrangement with a card that reads "I'll love you until the last flower dies." Come on. That shit would make Hitler cry. My GOD. Now, don't get me wrong. If you nice young men want to come to the shop and buy flowers for your women and make Cindy lots of moolah, by all means do it. I'll just wait to cry until I get home.

I loved being in love. I loved having someone. Or maybe I loved the idea of it all because the situation itself kinda bit most of the time. See, I should be with someone who likes romance, passion, intimacy. Who loves it. Who appreciates it and all the little things people in love are supposed to do for each other. And not just on Valentines Day, but every day. I don't think romance and passion and love SHOULD be reserved for one day a year. If you're lucky enough to find it, to have it, to have someone you truly love and who truly loves you back, every day should be a celebration of that love....not one day a year.

And certainly not with gum.

I had a dream last night.

I had a dream last night. And if anyone has ever had any doubt about just how romantic my mind is...well, here you go. I'm not totally perverted.

It was night time. Off in the distance, I could hear the ocean, waves crashing against the shore...smell the salt in the air. You could see the intermittent  glow of a lighthouse over the trees. There was a tent. The material was thin enough to see the stars through. Tables everywhere, crystal champagne glasses, white candles burning throughout giving the most amazing glow to everything. There was a dance floor in the middle. That's where we stood, he and I (he shall remain nameless for the sake of this blog, by the way). He was in a black tux, looking amazing. I was in a silk ivory gown...and barefoot (it's okay...pedicured and cute feet). He was holding my hand and smiling, looking into my eyes and making me melt like no one else does. And he pulled me close, wrapped his arms around me, and whispered "I picked this one just for you." Just then, music began to play, and I was hearing Frank Sinatra. Some day, when I'm awfully low, When the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you... And the way you look tonight. Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm And your cheeks so soft, There is nothing for me but to love you, And the way you look tonight. With each word your tenderness grows, Tearing my fear apart... And that laugh that wrinkles your nose, It touches my foolish heart. Lovely ... Never, ever change. Keep that breathless charm. Won't you please arrange it ? 'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight. Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Just the way you look to-night. And we danced. And tears rolled down my cheek. Good tears. And he smiled (he has great smile) and wiped them away, kissing my cheeks where they were damp. And said "I love you. Now and forever." And my FREAKIN' alarm clock went off. And I threw it on the floor saying, "NO!" It survived. So I am making mental notes to myself to eat chocolate covered raisins before bed again and pray to GOD it picks up there.

The lesser of two evils.

So, I've been thinking again. I think we covered that I do that entirely too much, but I am what I am. This is me, take it or leave it.

This being the beginning of another New Year, I've mostly thought about my life. Where it's been.Where it's going. The things I have, and the things that are missing. I know I am blessed. I have much more than some people have: Three amazing, brilliant children; A roof over my head; Food to eat; Family and friends, though they are a dying breed. Of course I lack some basic things people often take for granted. Like a damn CAR. Santa was supposed to bring me one but, as it turns out, Santa is one of those men who lies a lot. ($3200. Donations accepted. lol)

Still, I feel the emptiness of love lost and the heartache of being left behind and forgotten. It happens every day, to lots of people. I know. And some people seem to have no problem whatsoever in finding someone new and jumping into a relationship. I'm not one of those people. Sometimes, I wish I were.

The truth is, there are a lot of good men out there (I think. Somewhere.). I am not a man-hater by any means. I kinda like men. Well, some men. As I recall, they have fun parts that I lack and I took great pleasure in partaking in the aforementioned fun parts once upon a time. (Okay, it's a really short-ass list of "partake-ees" but you get the point.) 

 I don't like being alone. I hate being alone. I really do. It scares me. But, and here, my friends, is the brutally honest bottom line: What scares me even more...is being left again.

I don't think my heart could take it. And it's the cruelest sort of punishment that I put on myself to choose to be alone rather than risk being hurt. But feeling this...all of this that I've dealt with...I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

 

Well, I might wish it on one person, but right now I'm still just hoping his winkie falls off.

 

New Year

 

2006 was not my best. It saw a lot of bad, but some really amazing moments of greatness.

It saw me dealing with emotions and complications in my pesonal life I did not expect to have to deal with. It saw me lose some people I truly loved and thought were good friends. I was wrong. But it also showed me who I CAN rely on, who IS a friend, and who to turn to when I need a shoulder.

It saw my first (and thus far only) trip to New York City. It was one of the best weekends of my life. I was, and still am, in awe of the entire experience. I want to go again. One day soon, perhaps.

 It also saw some great weekends with my sister/best friend Cindy. Philly was awesome...shopping on South Street and hanging out. Getting caught in the rain storm walking 12 blocks from our hotel was an experience. And Frampton in Atlantic City...was just amazing.

Along the way, though, itt saw me lose who I was in a lot of ways. Somewhere, amidst everything that's happened and changed, I lost a lot of spirit. A lot of passion. A lot of what made me...me. It's been really hard trying to get that back, but I will.

People, former "friends" have found a need to judge me because of that. Because I am not as strong as they think I should be. Because I haven't handled things as they feel I should have. To those people, I say fuck you. *smile*

 

2007 is looking better.

Yes, I remain alone. But that's because of ME, not because of anyone else. Let's face it...I am just WAY too fucked up emotionally and I am woman enough to admit it, dammit. Heartache will do that to you. But it's okay. This too shall pass. One day I will meet Mr. Right (or as Lisa would prefer, Mr. Right NOW) and things will work out. When I'm ready. Heather tells me he's out there somewhere...and when the time is right, we'll find each other. I hope she's right. lol

And Lisa and I have a date for Cancun for my birthday in July. I have it in writing. Margarita's on the beach. (Please make all financial contributions to the aforementioned trip in cash, to me. Thank you.)

 Maybe I'll get my first tattoo. I'll have Lisa design something just for me.

I'll lose the rest of my weight without, hopefully, losing my boobs. I kinda like them.

I'll get out more. I'll make new friends. I'll live a little. I'll take a trip south, just me and sit on the sand of Folly Beach, SC, watching the sunrise and flirt with the hot surfers.

I'll learn to leave the past BEHIND me and not let it effect who I am today. (That's the tough one.)

I'll love people for everything they are, good and bad, unconditionally. The way you should love people.

Below is something I read today, that I thought was very appropos. Something I will do my best to live by, one day at a time.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thoughtand concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

 

Happy New Year

to you all.