The lesser of two evils.

So, I've been thinking again. I think we covered that I do that entirely too much, but I am what I am. This is me, take it or leave it.

This being the beginning of another New Year, I've mostly thought about my life. Where it's been.Where it's going. The things I have, and the things that are missing. I know I am blessed. I have much more than some people have: Three amazing, brilliant children; A roof over my head; Food to eat; Family and friends, though they are a dying breed. Of course I lack some basic things people often take for granted. Like a damn CAR. Santa was supposed to bring me one but, as it turns out, Santa is one of those men who lies a lot. ($3200. Donations accepted. lol)

Still, I feel the emptiness of love lost and the heartache of being left behind and forgotten. It happens every day, to lots of people. I know. And some people seem to have no problem whatsoever in finding someone new and jumping into a relationship. I'm not one of those people. Sometimes, I wish I were.

The truth is, there are a lot of good men out there (I think. Somewhere.). I am not a man-hater by any means. I kinda like men. Well, some men. As I recall, they have fun parts that I lack and I took great pleasure in partaking in the aforementioned fun parts once upon a time. (Okay, it's a really short-ass list of "partake-ees" but you get the point.) 

 I don't like being alone. I hate being alone. I really do. It scares me. But, and here, my friends, is the brutally honest bottom line: What scares me even more...is being left again.

I don't think my heart could take it. And it's the cruelest sort of punishment that I put on myself to choose to be alone rather than risk being hurt. But feeling this...all of this that I've dealt with...I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

 

Well, I might wish it on one person, but right now I'm still just hoping his winkie falls off.