The challenge of me.

It has come to my attention that it takes a very special breed of man to handle me...and I've yet to meet one. Not that I am anything special or spectacular, by any means...just that I am, may be, it's possible, I'm a TAD more difficult/jaded/guarded than the average woman. I understand that.

 

Here's the thing: I'm not changing for anyone. Not ever again. You should never have to change to satisfy someone else's needs or give them an ego boost. Period.  I've done that in the past and pretty much lost all sense of self in the process and I'm still trying to recover from that. So....you can take me as I am, or you can leave me the hell alone. It's really, really simple. You're either man enough to take on the challenge that is me...or you're not. If you are, you'll prove it or I'll see it. If you're not, were you ever really worth my time to begin with?

 

So, having said that, let's get a few things clear, shall we?

 

Romance vs. Sex. First of all, I don't think you should have to choose between the two. It's kinda sad if you do. They should be hand in hand, if you ask me, but I guess THAT doesn't happen this day and age, either, or so I am learning. Now, when I say romance, I do not mean 4 dozen roses, rose petals from the doorway to the bed, Dom Perignon chilling by the bed, Michael Buble' singing softly in the background (however, if any man wants to do that for me one day....um, I won't argue. be nice if it WERE Michael Buble'...). Romance is more than material things you buy or place somewhere just hoping to get laid. It can be something as perfect and simple as...a quiet room, a few burning candles and someone you really love with all your heart standing before you telling you they love you, even if you're too frightened to say it back. Making love on soft sheets, breathing in the scent of each other, every single, solitary touch just going through you like electricity because you know he, him, this person, is everything you ever wanted. *sigh*

 

Anyway....

 

I have no interest in casual sex. I just don't do it. I'm not going to invite you into my home, my sanctuary, for a quickie, I don't have one-night stands, I don't give myself up easily. If that's what you're after, please go find an easier target. PLEASE. Believe me, I know a plethora of women who want nothing more than a romp in the sack with no complications. I just don't happen to be one of them. Don't get me wrong...I am an extremely sexual person. Probably so much so it would shock most of you. BUT...not everyone is privileged enough to get to that part. If you ever have (it's a very, very short I-can-count-you-on-one-hand list), feel damn secure in the fact that you meant something to me then and still do now. One in particular, but that's neither here nor there so let's not linger.

 

 

I am a good person. Yes, I am a really, really...difficult, can be stubborn, easily hurt, way sensitive person, but I am a good person. A good person with a huge, huge heart. I don't ask anyone for anything and I give everything that I can to the people I care about. When I love someone, I love them with every ounce of me. It's the only way I know how. When someone needs me, they need only ask. I rarely, if ever, say no to someone coming to me for help or encouragement or anything else. I don't expect anyone to be perfect, I only ask that they be honest. That they mean what they say and don't lie to me, use me, or hurt me. This is, apparently, much more difficult that it sounds. Particularly by the penis-bearing members of the species. Think about it. If any one of you reading this is a man I know, have known...what have I ever asked of you? And how did you treat me? And was it justified? When it came down to it...what impression did you leave me with? Something to ponder.

 

I'm not perfect. I think we touched on that in the previous paragraph. I have a LOT of faults. I don't know anyone who doesn't, despite some men's' obvious delusion of perfection. I admit to my faults, sometimes reluctantly, but I do. But people who know me, really know me, have made the following observations:

"You strike me as the kind of woman that, if she's treated well, like you should be treated, you would treat your man like a king. That you really would give all of yourself to him."

"You're the only person I ever knew who was really, truly happy being married, being with one person. Just having a home and a simple life. "

And this is true. Not because I am such a fantastic person, but because that's how I think you should love someone. Totally, completely, all-consuming, you-can-depend-on-me-no-matter-what kind of love. So...if anyone were to ever actually take the time to understand me, to appreciate me, faults and all, to see who I really am, what I am, what's inside...that's what they'd get from me. That's how I give love. That's how I want to get it.

 

Unfortunately, that's the one thing I am quite certain I will never, ever find. That's not being jaded, that's just being realistic.

 

But...I'd rather be alone then settle for something less. So, alone I shall stay.

At least until John Cusack knocks on my door. Of course, if HE wanted just sex....yeah, I'd probably give it to him.